What to do with shame?
Ooh, shame. This is such a tricky one. First off, I want to clear up what shame isn’t. Shame and guilt aren’t synonymous. Guilt is feeling badly for something you’ve done- breaking the rules or the law or sinning. Shame is feeling bad at the core of who you are- I am a horrible person, I’m a screw-up, I’m a waste of time, I’m bad. False guilt is feeling guilty for something that’s not your fault, and this can happen quite often in dysfunctional relationships or when you feel intense shame at your core.
Secular counseling would point us towards more awareness as the first step in combating shame. Nonjudgemental noticing of the thought as it comes up in your mind, and finding ways to speak more gently and kindly to yourself instead. Another important part of dealing with shame is recognizing where it comes from- past trauma and the like. Speaking to the parts of yourself that feel shame, or the parts of you that are scared, angry, etc can also be helpful in addressing and understanding where these shameful messages originated. Talking with others about your shame can also be incredibly helpful, as safe, empathic connection is healing. Friends, as helpful as a warm, kind listening friend is to healing shame, bringing our shame into the loving arms of our Savior is where we find full healing. And He wants to completely heal us of our shame.
Origins of Shame
Shame didn’t exist in mankind prior to the fall. Genesis tells us that “the man and his wife were both naked, and they were not ashamed” (Genesis 2:25). There was no sin or wrongdoing to hide; they had no need to cover themselves, or try to explain away a sin, or manipulate others. They were living in perfect relationship with God and with each other. But we know that that utopia didn’t last. With their disobedience, they both realized the repulsiveness of their sin, their inability to do anything about it, so they tried to cover themselves with fig leaves, hid from the Lord, and they both blame-shifted and made excuses when confronted about it. They weren’t able to do anything to clean themselves up. So sin was brought into the world and cursed all of creation. We know that “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23). It’s because of this very ability to see our own shortcomings, hear our own internal dialogue, be privy to all of our deepest desires, that we are overcome by shame. We know that we fall short of perfection. We, by the Holy Spirit, see the repugnance of our sins, and we realize that we can’t do anything to fix that. We are in a helpless state.
But. For. Christ.
“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.”
Romans 8:1-4
Simply knowing that we are sinful could never save us- that’s what the law does. It shows how far we fall from the standard, but can only ever offer us punishment. This is where our shame makes sense. We are intrinsically sinful. Even David confesses that he “was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin did [his] mother conceive [him]. For [he] was born a sinner— yes, from the moment [his] mother conceived [him]” (Psalm 51:5) Yet, “while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly” (Romans 5:6). He knew that we wouldn’t be able to pay the price for our own sins.
“Once you were dead because of your disobedience and your many sins. You used to live in sin, just like the rest of the world, obeying the devil—the commander of the powers in the unseen world. He is the spirit at work in the hearts of those who refuse to obey God. All of us used to live that way, following the passionate desires and inclinations of our sinful nature. By our very nature we were subject to God’s anger, just like everyone else.
But God is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so much, that even though we were dead because of our sins, he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead. (It is only by God’s grace that you have been saved!) For he raised us from the dead along with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ Jesus. So God can point to us in all future ages as examples of the incredible wealth of his grace and kindness toward us, as shown in all he has done for us who are united with Christ Jesus.
God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.”
Ephesians 2:1-10
Our sin meant separation from God. However, “if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away. Behold, the new has come! All this is from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ” (2 Corinthians 5:17-18a) We are now reconciled, reconnected to God. We are given complete forgiveness of sins; past, present, and future. We are no longer under condemnation. “He forgave us all our sins, having canceled the charge of our legal indebtedness, which stood against us and condemned us; he has taken it away, nailing it to the cross” (Colossians 2:13b-14). All you have to do is “confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For with your heart you believe and are justified, and with your mouth you confess and are saved. It is just as the Scripture says: “Anyone who believes in Him will never be put to shame” (Romans 10:9-11).
Because we are in Christ, we no longer have shame attached to us. Your life is now “hidden with Christ in God” (Colossians 3:3b). We are in right standing and relationship with God forever. Jesus has promised that “whoever comes to me I will never cast out” (John 6:37b). His saving work is all-encompassing and eternally binding.
Already and Not Yet
Yet we still struggle with sin. Paul struggled mightily under this weight and wrote to the Roman church about it: “I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.
So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin” (Romans 7:18-25). Paul very much acknowledged the struggle of his flesh, his fallen, sinful side, and the desire to follow the promptings of the Holy Spirit working in his new, redeemed self. You can see the intensity of his struggle as he calls himself “wretched” and in a “body of death”. Eesh. We still live in a sinful world. We still struggle with sin and are tempted. We still choose the wrong way sometimes. Maybe often. The good news is that God looks at us and sees Christ’s righteousness covering our sins. He paid for them completely. “But you were washed, but you were sanctified [notice the past tense], but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God” (1 Corinthians 6:11b) This washing, this setting aside for His special use, this justification in His sight happened at the moment of conversion. Our shame- gone. Our sins- forgiven forever. Our slate cleaned. Our lives “hidden with Christ in God”. We were called by a new name, we were called to a new purpose, we were given new life.
God calls us to an eternal hope
And God continues to change us from the inside out, knowing that we still struggle with sin. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). He purifies us on a regular basis, so we can confidently come before the throne of grace. “Such is the confidence that we have through Christ toward God. Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God, who has made us sufficient to be ministers of a new covenant, not of the letter, but of the Spirit” (2 Corinthians 3:4a-6). Our reconciliation, our acceptedness, is rooted in God’s gift to us. It was 100% His work. And He not only reconciled us, but He wants us to participate in His work of reconciling others to Himself.
“Since we have such a hope, we are very bold…Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit. “
(2 Corinthians 3:12, 17-18)
His desire is to free us from slavery to sin and shame, and to lead us into ever-increasing freedom as we enjoy Him, glorify Him, and become more like Him day after day. It is a long faithfulness in the same direction which comprises the Christian walk.
True Guilt vs False Guilt
Paul talks about guilt in the New Testament. “As it is, I rejoice, not because you were grieved, but because you were grieved into repenting. For you felt a godly grief, so that you suffered no loss through us. For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death” (2 Corinthians 7:9-10). This “godly grief” that Paul references in writing to the Corinthians has to do with the guilt and conviction of the Holy Spirit that is felt over sin. Guilty feelings, when experienced in the context of an actual wrong, are meant to point us to repentance. Repentance is a turning away from sin, confessing wrongdoing and asking for forgiveness from the Lord and perhaps from someone you have wronged, and a return to righteous ways of living and relating to others.
However, I oftentimes will run into false guilt. This is feelings of guilt in the absence of actual sin or wrongdoing. And differentiating guilt from false guilt takes discernment and wisdom. Oftentimes it takes having a conversation with a friend, mentor, or even a mental health care provider to identify this. These negative feelings can be triggered in response to variables outside of our control, such as getting sick, feeling inadequate, or not meeting unrealistic expectations of the self or others. Another big contributor to false guilt is the devil. He is described as “the accuser”, and is out to steal, kill, and destroy. We must rely on the Lord for wisdom around true guilt calling us to godly repentance, and false guilt that only cripples us. If something sounds like an accusation, it probably is. Pray for clarity from the Lord and the wisdom to see the truth of the situation through all of the mess of feelings.
| Feeling True Guilt | Feeling False Guilt |
| Focused on God’s forgiveness | Shaming- negative “you are” statements |
| Is specific | Often Ambiguous |
| You sinned in some way | Didn’t commit a sin |
| God loves you massively and tenderly calls you to repentance | You’ve ruined everything. There’s no hope for you now. |
| God wants to restore you | You have to clean yourself up and get your act together. You’re on probation with God’s forgiveness. |
| Leads you to freedom and peace with obedience and repentance | Leads you to slavery to self-hate, despair, and depression |
Thus says the Lord:
“Cursed is the man who trusts in man
and makes flesh his strength,[a]
whose heart turns away from the Lord.
He is like a shrub in the desert,
and shall not see any good come.
He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness,
in an uninhabited salt land.
“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,
whose trust is the Lord.
He is like a tree planted by water,
that sends out its roots by the stream,
and does not fear when heat comes,
for its leaves remain green,
and is not anxious in the year of drought,
for it does not cease to bear fruit.”
The heart is deceitful above all things,
and desperately sick;
who can understand it?
“I the Lord search the heart
and test the mind,[b]
to give every man according to his ways,
according to the fruit of his deeds.”
Jeremiah 17:1-10
Make sure to continue reading tomorrow as I take a look at anxiety from a Biblical context!
Fox Family Counseling 