Break Free from People Pleasing with God’s Truth

People Pleasing is a trauma response

“When a friend asks me out to dinner and I know I don’t have the budget, I tell them yes anyway because I don’t want to miss out.” 

“I feel overwhelmed most of the time.” 

“I don’t know who I am anymore.”

“I apologize for everything that goes wrong.”

“I’m afraid of inconveniencing other people.” 

“I feel like a burden to others- I’m constantly failing.”

This is some of what people pleasing in action sounds like. It’s a fear of upsetting others, coming off as mean or rude, and ultimately a fear of rejection and abandonment. This can be something small, like not speaking up for how you really feel on an online post, or something bigger, like setting boundaries with a close friend. Saying “no” can feel very uncomfortable, especially if you are not used to doing it. 

Many times, unhelpful behavior patterns that we notice in adulthood have their roots in childhood.

-Emotional Neglect 

-Parentification- being forced to care for yourself, your siblings, or even your parents while you were still a child 

-Alcoholism in the household 

-A lack of boundaries and self-care modeled by your caretakers 

-Authoritarian parenting style- i.e., the parent is always right, a difference of opinion is “disrespectful”, my feelings are not as important as other people’s feelings 

-Childhood experiences of trauma- bullying, divorce, death of a loved one, housing or food insecurity, abandonment, incarcerated parent, a bad accident or medical emergency/illness, verbal abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, witnessing domestic violence in the household

These messages of rejection are the very thing that have us desperately chasing after approval from others. God designed us for connection. Healthy connection with others looks like loving, caring relationship where we encourage each other and are mutually encouraged ourselves. Above even this, though, God designed us for relationship with Him. Our hearts will not be at rest until we rest in the security of our relationship with Him. June Hunt comments, “only the loving, accepting voice of God is powerful enough to override and eventually silence the voices of rejection- and thus salvage the self-worth of” these wounded and rejected parts of yourself. 

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalms 34:18

Hope for Healing

The good news is that these behaviors you developed to cope with your negative life experiences, whether from childhood or more recent, don’t have to continue to be your pattern of living.

I would be remiss if I didn’t point you to the Lord first and foremost. He is the healer and the One who knows our hearts best. He is the One who is able to heal and restore our hearts to health. He is the most important ingredient in your journey towards better mental health, because He is the Designer of mental health. So, take a deep breath. You’re going to need to allow God to search your heart and reveal some of these core hurts to you. Yes, it is going to be difficult to sort through these things, but you are not alone. And the Lord is such a gentle and compassionate God, who longs to “bind up the brokenhearted” (Psalm 147:3). Read this section aloud as a prayer to the Lord: 

Identify some negative messages that you’ve received in the past- whether from a parent, a peer, a coworker, etc- that need to be challenged by the Word of God. These are messages that may play repeatedly in your head. They may cause you anxiety, sadness, hurt, or anger. They will sound like accusations, and probably feel very true to you. I know this will feel icky, but go ahead and actually write them down on a piece of paper somewhere.

Countering Lies with Truths from God’s Word

If you haven’t read the post about thought fighting, it’s worth going back to just for a refresher. Ready? We are going to use the word of God to start to combat these beliefs that have developed within you for a long time. And I know that your brain is going to try to throw these out with the garbage, insisting that “yeah, this is true for other people but not for me”. It’s going to take intentional effort over a long period of time to start to build this belief that these promises of God are also true for you as well. It’s not easy, it doesn’t feel comfortable, but it is worth it. Think about someone in a crazy car wreck who breaks both their legs. They are a mess even after surgery. It takes rehabilitation and physical therapy to restore the health of their legs through a long period of intentional exercise, stretching, and practice. Your brain also works the same way. Give yourself A LOT of grace where this thought fighting process is concerned. Change rarely happens overnight.

It’s so important to remind yourself of truth, and to practice preaching it to yourself on a daily basis. God knows exactly how our neurochemistry works, and he encourages us in Romans 12 to be careful not to “copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.” God knows that what we practice is what we become. And like a fish tepidly swimming with the current, we can quickly find ourselves swept away in the culture’s ideas of what a flourishing life looks like, instead of what God has to say about His plan for our lives. How do we change the way we think? By spending time with God, spending time in prayer and in His Word. Meditating on the Scripture is “[fixing] your thoughts on what is true and good and right. [Thinking] about things that are pure and lovely, and [dwelling] on the fine, good things in others. [Thinking] about all you can praise God for and be glad about” is how you invite God’s peace that surpasses understanding into your mind and your heart (Philippians 4:8). “God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand…will keep your thoughts and your hearts quiet and at rest as you trust in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:7). And neuroscience has shown again and again that neurons that fire together, wire together. You strengthen those neural connections when you practice thinking about something, whether it is truth from God’s Word or an unhelpful and untrue accusation from the enemy. Take a look at some of these truths from God’s word:

• God breathed into your nostrils the breath of life (Genesis 2:7)
• You are fearfully and wonderfully made in His image (Psalm 139:14)
• God has crowned you with glory and honor as the pinnacle and final act of the six days of creation (Psalm 8:5; Genesis 1:26)
• While you were still a sinner, Christ died for you. While you were still hostile toward Him, you were reconciled and reconnected with God by the death of His Son (Romans 5:8, 10) 
• Sin doesn’t have the last word on your life; grace does (Romans 5:20)
• Everyone who calls on the name of Jesus will be saved (Romans 10:13) 
• You are no longer an orphan; you belong to the Lord (John 14:18; 1 Corinthians 6:19)
• Your perfect Father dearly loves you (1 John 3:1; Luke 15:20–24)
• You are finally free from the slavery of sin and death. There is now no condemnation for you (Romans 8:1–2)
• Your position as a child of God is utterly secure; nothing will be able to separate you from His love for you in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:39)
• God has promised to never leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5)
• As you seek God and see more of His glory, He is transforming you more and more into the image of His Son (2 Corinthians 3:18)
• Through Jesus you are victorious (1 Corinthians 15:57)
• You have a glorious future (Romans 8:18)
• One day, God will wipe away every tear from your eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore. You will be completely freed from the effects of sin. (Revelation 21:3–4) 

Friend, if you have surrendered your life to Jesus and invited Him to come live in your heart, all of these statements are true about you. You can cling to His promises! I know, I know, it’s especially difficult to cling to His promises and remember the truth about who He says we are when I am going through suffering. When life is all rain and no rainbows. When every day feels like dragging through life with a wet blanket draped over your shoulders. And people-pleasing is one of those long-established, heavy burdens that seems to become just a baked-in part of life. When trauma has literally changed your brain and thinking to where everything feels dangerous. The Lord wants to heal you. And He is explicit in His Word on how we are to deal with this sort of suffering. Check out this passage from Matthew 4: 1-11:

“Then Jesus was led out into the wilderness by the Holy Spirit, to be tempted there by Satan. For forty days and forty nights he ate nothing and became very hungry. Then Satan tempted him to get food by changing stones into loaves of bread. “It will prove you are the Son of God,” he said. But Jesus told him, “No! For the Scriptures tell us that bread won’t feed men’s souls: obedience to every word of God is what we need.” Then Satan took him to Jerusalem to the roof of the Temple. “Jump off,” he said, “and prove you are the Son of God; for the Scriptures declare, ‘God will send his angels to keep you from harm,’ . . . they will prevent you from smashing on the rocks below.” Jesus retorted, “It also says not to put the Lord your God to a foolish test!” Next Satan took him to the peak of a very high mountain and showed him the nations of the world and all their glory. “I’ll give it all to you,” he said, “if you will only kneel and worship me.” “Get out of here, Satan,” Jesus told him. “The Scriptures say, ‘Worship only the Lord God. Obey only him.’” Then Satan went away, and angels came and cared for Jesus.“

Did you notice that Jesus countered these temptations and accusations with Scripture? We can use the same methods of warfare in combating the enemy and his lies. The Lord has not left us unequipped or alone in this fight. Paul explains more about how we are to fight back in Ephesians 6:

“Last of all I want to remind you that your strength must come from the Lord’s mighty power within you. Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand safe against all strategies and tricks of Satan. For we are not fighting against people made of flesh and blood, but against persons without bodies—the evil rulers of the unseen world, those mighty satanic beings and great evil princes of darkness who rule this world; and against huge numbers of wicked spirits in the spirit world. So use every piece of God’s armor to resist the enemy whenever he attacks, and when it is all over, you will still be standing up. But to do this, you will need the strong belt of truth and the breastplate of God’s approval. Wear shoes that are able to speed you on as you preach the Good News of peace with God. In every battle you will need faith as your shield to stop the fiery arrows aimed at you by Satan. And you will need the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit—which is the Word of God. Pray all the time. Ask God for anything in line with the Holy Spirit’s wishes. Plead with him, reminding him of your needs, and keep praying earnestly for all Christians everywhere.”

Pray through this passage in Ephesians 6. Ask the Lord to equip you with His armor. Then, rebuke these false beliefs that have glommed onto you somewhere along the way. Quote Scripture you found that can combat each one, and call those negative accusations out as lies. You can write the rebuttal scripture out on the page that you wrote the original negative beliefs on.

Ask the Lord to change your heart, to release you from believing they are true about you. You may even find it helpful to memorize these Scriptures so they are mentally accessible to you any time. Don’t be discouraged that things aren’t instantly changed. It took a long time for your heart to believe these unkind and unhelpful things about yourself, and it is going to take a while to build new ways of thinking and feeling. Loop in a trusted friend who can be a prayer partner with you in this fight. Not only will they also seek the Lord’s face on your behalf, but they can be a valuable source of encouragement for you on the road to healing. The Lord wants to move you from this place of responses to past trauma to seeing yourself the way He sees you: loved, valuable, and precious to Him. You are not a burden to Him; you are a joy to Him.

Come check in again next week as I take a look at boundaries!